Cold, Cold Heart
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: COMPLETED: A Shuuichi leaving Yuki fic, no longer a oneshot. Songfic. Song ideas needed for next chapter.Finished
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: don't own show or song.**

**Title: Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter one: Cold, Cold Heart** (songfic-thingy, lyrics italicized, doesn't use all the lyrics)

_I tried so hard my dear to show, that you're my every dream…_

Shuuichi leaned down and softly kissed the sleeping angel, careful not to awaken him. He wanted to, but the last thing he needed was for his lover to wake up—especially now, with the pink-haired singer holding a packed suitcase in his hand.

'Yuki, I'll miss you, but I can't do this any longer…I'm too weak to fight anymore to get you to love me.' Shuuichi felt the tears well up in his violet eyes, his lips trembling as the unspoken words flitted through his head. Agonizingly he watched his lover sleep; his heart breaking with each prolonged second it took him to pry himself away from the sight.

_A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart…_

'Why did Kitazawa have to turn you into such a frigid person? Why? Why can't I get you to love me? You always see him instead of me…I…why can't you realize I'm not like him, I won't hurt you…I won't betray you, I love you, Yuki.'

He thought of the past few weeks, how everything seemed to be working out—he thought he finally broke through the novelist's outer shield surrounding his heart. Now he knew he hadn't—or if he had, Yuki had quickly reconstructed that shield, stronger than before. The novelist masked it well, but Shuuichi knew the care Yuki showed now was faked—he knew it in his heart, knew it from the uneasy feeling inside.

Yuki suddenly started caring too much…started being too protective….and then he asked the singer what Shuuichi loved more: him or singing? Shuuichi at first felt so touched by Yuki showing such concern, but the meaning of the question sunk in—Yuki didn't know what Shuuichi cared about most.

'If you've been paying attention to me, you would know…why would you need to ask me a question you would know the answer to if you only looked at me?'

_Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue_

_And so my heart is paying now for things I didn't do._

'Kitazawa…you still love him, don't you? He hurt you, but you love him…he betrayed you, but you feel guilty still for killing him…you think you betrayed him by doing so….Yuki, I don't know what to do. How can I stop you from hurting because of him?' Shuuichi gazed down at the closed eyes of his lover and love, wishing for them to open and answer his silent questions…wishing they would open before he got the strength to walk out of the apartment with his suitcase.

Everyday felt like a knife poking at his heart—Yuki was kinder now, true, but Shuuichi knew it wasn't because the novelist loved him…the novelist loved Kitazawa…and saw the man in the singer instead of seeing Shuuichi as Shuuichi.

'Yuki, please, why can't you love me? I feel myself die a little more each day when you don't say you do, and I feel even more of me die when I do hear you say those words and realize they aren't to me. They are to the ghost of Kitazawa you see in me…god, why can't I make you love me?'

_There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me_

_But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory_

Shuuichi turned away from the sleeping angel, and walked to the door of the room before looking back, his eyes brimming with tears.

"Yuki, I love you…."

_The more I learn to care for you the more we drift apart_

In silence Shuuichi turned away and walked out the front door, not noticing or caring as rain pelted down and soaked him thoroughly. All he cared about he was leaving behind…it hurt too much to leave, but it hurt worse to stay. Trembling, he took off the headphones on his ears just as the last lyric passed:

_Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?_

"Yuki…."

**A/N: End chapter, please review. It's the first time I wrote a song-fic thingy, and it's not exactly like some of the ones I read before that are mainly the lyrics…I only used the lyrics to help with the mood, plus the song's by my favorite country singer who's been dead for years before I was born…I grew up listening to him because of my dad. **

**(Yeah, I listen to country—I listen to almost any kind of music actually, I just grew up listening to old country—I don't care that much for the new country music, it's been influenced too much by pop music. The only country singers I like are Hank Williams Sr. and Reba McEntire. Other than that I don't care).**

**Credits: Song: Cold, Cold Heart Hank Williams Sr. **


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: First I have to say I'm flattered by a review by LambSam calling me Yaminoko-sama…that's the first time anyone ever used –sama to refer to me.

Also, I'm not sure what song to use with these continuing chapters; I think I might use more of Hank Williams Sr.'s songs unless you fans can give me some ideas.

**Cold, Cold Heart:**

**  
Chapter Two: I couldn't See You Leaving **(Lyrics Italicized and separated from story)

_Lying all alone in this midnight blue_

_With nothing but these memories of you_

_Staring at these walls that are closing in_

_Wondering if you're ever coming back again._

-

Yuki awoke to an eerily quiet house, alone—a rare occurrence since the brat singer moved in.

'_He must've left for work already._' The novelist stretched and yawned, sitting up on the bed. _'I wonder why he didn't try waking me up, it's not like him to just leave….'_

Suddenly the wind from outside picked up and rain drenched the window to the bedroom.

Flicking his gaze to the window, Yuki sighed and stood up, stretching some more before walking out of the room. He shivered as a cold breeze passed by him, and he glared at the open front door.

'_Stupid brat didn't even close the door, and it's raining.'_

He cursed under his breath and closed the door, his head beginning to throb. That's when he looked at the small table nearest the door and saw a shiny metal key on top of a white envelop.

-

_Now I'm just a prisoner in this big old bed_

_Living with the things that I should've said_

_Why is it always after someone's gone_

_That you begin to see where you went wrong?_

-

'_Stupid brat forgot his key again, I guess I have to leave the door unlocked then….'_

"Wait…." He stepped closer to the table, expression puzzled. "Why isn't the key on that keychain he bought?" He picked up the solo key and narrowed his eyes in thought; his head throbbing more painfully he averted his gaze to the envelope on the table.

On the immaculate white paper were the words: To Yuki.

'_That's the brat's writing, why would he…? He usually leaves notes on the fridge or my laptop…and certainly not in envelopes….'_

Head now pounding, the novelist picked up the letter with slightly trembling hands, part of him already knowing what the letter would say.

-

_I did a good job of fooling myself_

_Thinking that your love would stay on the shelf_

_But how could anybody be so blind_

_To have to wake up alone and find._

-

Taking out the sheet of paper contained in the envelope, Yuki unfolded it and read:

'Yuki,

I love you, I will always love you, but—I know you won't ever be able to feel the same. I understand that, I've understood it for years; even though I always tried to get you to love me, I understood that would be impossible for you.

I still tried, though. Each day I tried to make you love me—each day I tried to help you open up enough to feel love again. I thought I could save you from the void left by Kitazawa…but I can't. I'm too tired now to try to anymore. Too tired and too hurt.

I love you, that's why it hurts so much to not have you return my feelings. Don't try to say you do; I know that lately you have been kinder to me…but I can't help feeling like that's a lie. You don't see me when you look at me, do you? How else could you not know what I like more, you or singing?

I understand though, you're still dealing with the past—you can't fully let go yet, I understand that. I wish I didn't, but I do—it'd be so much easier for me not to understand, because then I wouldn't realize the futility of my efforts to get you to love me.

I've tried so hard to help you, Yuki, but I can't go on trying anymore. It hurts too damn much—and it's affecting me so deeply now. I can't focus on work or anything other than you lately. Hell, I even tried bringing a knife to my wrist yesterday—and I got so close to succeeding before tossing the knife away from me. That scared me, Yuki—I actually wanted to die, I have so much good things going for me and I wanted to end it all.

Just because I couldn't handle the pain of my unrequited love any longer;

Yuki, I love you, but I can't be around you any longer. I hope you understand; I have to leave. I have to get away for a while, maybe forever. I need to focus on my career right now—that dream I know I can achieve. Don't try looking for me though—I'm leaving for an international music tour Seguchi-san scheduled for Bad Luck.

I didn't tell you that before, did I? That's because I didn't want to go on it—I'd be away from you too long. But now I see that it might be just the thing I need; just the thing we both need. Maybe afterwards we can work things out—or maybe not. Only time will tell.

I love you.

Shuuichi.'

Reading the last of the words the novelist staggered to the wall, the letter falling out of his hand. His head pounded and body trembled as he breathed in deeply to calm his racing thoughts.

Shuuichi leave him? No, that was impossible, the brat wouldn't dare…he wouldn't be able to last more than one day. It had to be a joke—some cruel joke thought of by the brat to get the novelist to admit he cared.

The silence of the apartment loomed over him, the rain pouring pelting against the windows—the pain he felt inside told him it wasn't a joke.

"Shuuichi…."

-

_I couldn't see you leaving, but I can see you're gone_

_That note you left on my pillow said I was on my own_

_I never heard you crying, 'cause I was seldom home_

_I couldn't see you leaving, but I can see you're gone._

_I couldn't see you leaving, but I can see you're gone._

**-**

**A/N: End chapter, song: I Couldn't See You Leaving: Conway Twitty,**

**I don't know if this chapter and lyrics are as good as the first chapter since I added the lyrics as an after-thought instead of writing the chapter around them. The singer of the song was my mom's favorite singer, so I grew up listening to him too. (I skipped a verse of the song in the story since I couldn't figure out where to put it.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Cold, Cold Heart:**

**  
Chapter Three: I Can't Help it (if I'm Still in Love with You)**

_Today I passed you on the street_

_And my heart fell at your feet_

_I can't help it if I'm still in love with you._

_-_

**Shuuichi's POV:**

Three years passed since our breakup—surprisingly I didn't break and go crawling back to you even once during those years. I didn't even try, it was easy for me to do—all I had to do is remember what almost happened the day before I left you.

The memory of the knife at my wrist was enough to stop me from going back to you. And not just because of my own pain that would cause—if I did do it, you and everyone else would suffer more, wouldn't you?

That's why I decided to bury myself in my work—I've never put as much energy into my music as I did that first year after our breakup. I guess being on the tour and being unable to escape from it helped a lot to fuel my resolve to leave you.

Leave you and Japan—I forgot to tell you in my last letter that the tour would end with Bad Luck staying in the states. Well, we did, and it was tough, but the band's become pretty popular in America. I've even recorded some songs in English on the newest album we've released—plans are underway to re-record the most popular of Bad Luck's songs in English, and if that works, we'll record new songs solely in English.

That's all going to be done in the upcoming month, right now we're on break—and back in Japan to promote a new album we're releasing there in a few weeks. Another international concert is scheduled for the summer of this year—three months away.

_-_

_Somebody else stood by your side_

_And he looked so satisfied_

_I can't help it if I'm still in love with you_

_-_

By the way, I saw you the other day as I navigated through Tokyo looking at everything that changed and didn't change in the three years I've been away. You looked the same—your hair was a bit messier and longer but you still had that aura around you. That aura that screams coolness and sexiness—that aura that makes all your fans crazy about you.

Seeing you, I had this crazy urge to run up to you and say hi—I wanted to hold your hand again, to hug you just like I used to do. I almost did, too. You looked so bored and lonely standing outside of the clothing store, I just wanted to bug you and make you cheer up.

Someone else beat me to it—and he wrapped his arms around your arm, a smile on his face, just like I used to have whenever I was around you. A full, satisfied smile that showed in his eyes. And, you didn't push him away, you didn't growl at him to let go or narrowed your eyes at him. You let him hang onto you, like you've never let me.

That jolted me out of my daze—struck me right in the heart. You weren't mine anymore. I gave you up, and now you had someone else in your life. I know I'm an idiot for thinking even for a second that we could start again where we left off—but seeing you again I got the urge to do just that. And it tore at my soul to see someone else by your side, especially someone you didn't have a problem with showing his love.

How come you've never been that lenient with me showing my emotions for you in public? Is it…was it just you were too cold before, but now after I left you've unfroze your heart? Are you better off without me in your life? Was the look I saw on your face the other day happiness? Or just contentment? It's hard to tell, I've never really seen you happy—and I got to say it's bittersweet seeing that look on your face knowing it's for someone else.

I wish I could've been the one by your side yesterday, but I can't dwell on the past—I chose my path, and I'm just glad that you've found a new one yourself.

_-_

_A memory from the past came slowly stealing_

_As I brushed your arm and walked so close to you_

_And suddenly I got that old time feeling_

_I can't help it if I'm still in love with you_

_-_

**Yuki's POV:**

Stupid brat, just when I finally started getting on with my life, you show up. Yesterday, across the street from where I loitered around, you had to walk by. The moment I saw you I felt my heart beat wildly against my chest, almost breaking when I saw how much you've changed.

Those three years abroad really changed you—you dyed your hair, instead of that shocking pink, your hair was sunlight yellow. And the clothes you wore—they weren't the almost trashy, tight clothes I grew accustomed to you wearing for work. You weren't dressed in your normal, non-work clothes either.

Baggy, black pants with numerous buckles and straps dressed your legs, with combat boots on your feet. Your shirt was black too—a muscle shirt that said something I couldn't quite make out; and you wore those fingertip-less gloves I sometimes see teenagers wear.

I can't believe how much you've changed, but I'm surprised you were alone. I thought you'd be with your band-mates or manager, but you were alone. I could've walked up to you, I wanted to—but I didn't. I stood away from the temptation, even though I longed to touch you again, I ignored my desire. That part in your goodbye letter, where you admitted you tried and wanted to kill yourself because of your pain, kept me away. I don't want to hurt you. Not like that again.

Damn it, why did you have to stop and stare at me yesterday? I saw you looking at me, I saw the desire to rush up to me fill your eyes. It almost made me want to rush to you myself—to know that you still wanted me both excited and hurt me.

But I can't have you again, I've kept track of all of your work over the past three years and I've heard the stories. You've been seeing someone else, for a little over a year now you've been seen in public increasingly with the same person. I can't say I'm surprised, but it hurt the first time I read about it—you finding someone else cut the final string holding up the hope I kept that we'd be together again.

So I found someone else too—he's not you, but he's so similar. And I'm trying so hard to make sure I don't lose him like I lost you. Not that it'd be easy to lose him—he doesn't fuss at all when I'm cold, and whenever my callousness does hurt him, he forgets and forgives it the next second. So unlike you. You're insecurity about me never let you forget like him.

I wish it was you grabbing onto my arm—I know you wish it too; that look on your face when he grabbed my arm told me that. You're cute when you're jealous, did you know that?

-

_It's hard to know another's lips will kiss you_

_And hold you just the way I used to do_

_Oh, heaven only knows how much I miss you_

_I can't help it if I'm still in love with you._

_I can't help it if I'm still in love with you._

**A/N: End chapter: Please review.**

Song: I Can't Help it (If I'm Still in Love with You) :Sung by Hank Williams Sr, though Conway Twitty re-sung it later on as a duet with a female country singer


	4. Chapter 4

**Cold, Cold Heart:**

**Chapter Four: One More Day**

'_Last night I had a crazy dream_

_Wish was granted just for me_

_It could be for anything….'_

**Yuki's POV:**

Tonight I took him to a concert—your concert, your first concert in Japan in three years. I couldn't tell him no—I wanted to, but I couldn't form the words. I know he'd understand anything I told him—but he would go alone if I didn't go with him, and that, I fear, would hurt him; I keep remembering what I did wrong with you, and I don't want to make the same mistakes.

God I miss you.

I stood in the back of the concert room, leaning against the wall—trying to hide from you, I couldn't stand to be any closer. God, you don't know how much it pains me to see you, to be within walking distance _and not_ be able to touch you—to speak with you, at least.

I want to—I could easily do so, could easily meet you again but fear stops me. Fear of what your letter said—of what seeing me might do to you. Plus, there's that chance you might truly not love me anymore—that fear that you don't care hurts me—I don't think I'd be able to bear your rejection.

So I stand quietly in the back, praying that you don't see me—yet hoping that you will, but that hope I brush aside with the hope that you'd run up to me and say 'I love you' again—that we'd be together again.

**Shuuichi's POV:**

God, why must you torture me? Yuki came to my concert—he came to see me perform; I saw him standing way in the back, like the first time he came to a concert of mine. Except this time I think he didn't want me to see him—he tried hiding in the shadows, and refused to move even when his new lover pestered him, pulling on his arm. Yuki only scowled and stood still.

'_I didn't ask for money,_

_Or a mansion in Malibu,_

_I simply wished for one more day _

_With you.'_

Yuki…why did you have to show up? And with him for that matter—your new lover….I can't stand to look at him—not just because he replaced me in your life, but because I know him.

I know who he is—that's what frustrates me most.

But I don't show my frustration on stage—I've come a long way since the time seeing you at a concert of mine would freeze me.

God—what I wouldn't give to have you hold me, to be near me—near enough to touch, to breathe in your scent—to taste. God—I want you, but I gave you up, I can't have you anymore—too many people would hurt if I tried to take you back.

"_One more day, one more time_

_One more sunset, maybe_

_I'll be satisfied…."_

I sang out the lyrics to the song—a cover of a Country song, just an experiment to see what Bad Luck's Japanese audience would think.

Each second I realize that the lyrics reflect what I feel for you—I want to be with you again, to go back to being yours and you mine. I miss those days….

"_But then again, I know what it would do…."_

I pause and look you right in the eye—I know I shouldn't but….

"_Leave me wishing still…for one more day…with you…."_

**A/N End chapter: Sorry about not updating for a while but I've been stuck in some mental place after people found out about my cutting.**

**Song: One More Day by Diamond Rio**


	5. Chapter 5

**Cold, Cold Heart:**

**Chapter Five: (No lyrics for this chapter)**

Yuki's POV:

God—my heart stopped, you saw me, looked me directly in the eye as you sang that lyric. I felt like I couldn't breathe—you still wanted me.

That lyric was a message, the eye contact—god, I had to get away before I did something insane like rush onto the stage and hold you tightly in my arms….

The moment you flicked your eyes away I left, all but physically running from the room. Somehow, though I hurried aimlessly, I found myself in the parking-lot, next to my Mercedes-Benz, fumbling with the key to get inside.

"It's been a while, Eiri-san." Tohma's warm, frustrating voice surprised me, and I dropped the keys. "Seeing Shindou-san, I mean."

"What do you want, Tohma? I'm busy."

"Eiri-san, is that anyway to treat a brother-in-law? Couldn't you manage a warm greeting for once?"

"I just don't feel like it—and when were you going to tell me about him coming here?" I glared at him after picking up my keys. "D'you know what it felt like seeing him the other day? Right across the street—he…after three years…."

"Eiri-kun."

"You keep him away from me."

"But you came here on your own, Eiri."

"Shut up. You know why I came here—you know whose idea it was, I…."

"But you agreed to bring Ryuu—I would've taken him if you didn't want to—"

I scoffed, feeling like hitting something—anything.

"It's not that easy, Tohma. You know why…."

Suddenly Tohma's eyes softened and he wrapped his arms around my neck, bringing me to lean on his shoulder.

"I understand, Eiri, you don't want to lose again—I keep telling you, you don't have to worry with Ryuu, but…."

"How can I trust that from you? When that brat left you knew it was for more than a tour—you knew—you arranged Bad Luck's plans to stay in the states—but you didn't tell me. Not until I forced it from you…and only after I found out from Ryuu." I broke off from his embrace.

Tohma averted his eyes, his smile faltering in pain.

"I'm sorry about that Eiri—I didn't think Shindou-san would go through with staying. If you told me what—that he broke up with you…I…." Tohma's words stuck in his throat, and he stared into my eyes, his eyes gleaming with tears. "I wouldn't've assumed you knew already….Eiri, I'm sorry…."

"Enough, Tohma. I need to leave, I need…."

"You can't drive in this state, not after what happened before." He shook his head and gently pried at the keys in my hand. "I don't want to almost lose you again."

"I'm fine, Tohma."

He stared wistfully into my eyes.

"That's what you said the last time, Eiri."

"I won't try again—not with this brand-new Mercedes."

"The other car was brand-new too—and it was your favorite." He smiled wistfully as he took my keys and pocketed them, then he gently held my arm. "No more protest—let's go for a walk. Once the concert's over I'll drive you and Ryuu home—unless you want to go home now."

"No….I'll wait for Ryuu."

"Okay. Let's just walk around then."

**A/N End chapter, Please review**


	6. Chapter 6

Cold, Cold Heart:

Chapter Six:

**Ryuu's POV:**

I know why Eiri-kun left; I should've known better than to have him come to your concert. After what happened before, I shouldn't have allowed him anywhere near you.

You hurt him a lot, you know, when you left—you should've seen him during the first few months of your tour. He kept visiting N-G trying to find out when you'd return—when he found out you were staying in the states….I can't bear remembering the hurt and betrayal in his eyes.

Tohma hasn't yet told Eiri-kun the truth—that he knew all along about your break-up; I think he's afraid that Eiri might try again to…well, he's afraid of a repeat of an earlier incident—an incident after you left.

Tears still fill my eyes at the memory of that incident. And seeing Eiri on the hospital bed afterwards…God, I'm sorry Shuuichi, but I'm NEVER letting you hurt him again. I am NEVER letting you in his life again, I don't care what you want; I'm never letting you be with him again — not after you almost killed him in your selfishness.

**Shuuichi's POV:**

Sakuma-san leaned against the wall in a backstage hallway waiting for me after the concert; I saw him the moment I stepped into the hall. His brown hair draped over a red bandana tied around his forehead, his blue eyes covered with sunglasses—he looked divine in coolness, I almost wanted to ask for his autograph.

Then I remembered. This was the new man in Yuki's life—this was my replacement, the reason I can't have Yuki again. I know I gave Yuki up willingly, on my own, but I can't help this jealousy burning in me.

"Shindou-kun." Sakuma-san called out, looking me over. "You've changed a lot."

"Yeah…you've…you haven't changed much." Why is he calling me Shindou? He always used my first name before….

"Many things have changed, Shindou-kun." Sakuma-san narrowed his eyes as he stared into mine—no more like glared.

"You're talking about you and Yuki." For a second relief rushed over me as Sakuma's expression changed to surprise.

"You know?"

"Yeah…I caught sight of you yesterday hanging all over him…." I intoned monotonously, afraid I might betray myself. "Good luck to you."

"You'll understand then when I say stay away from Eiri-kun—don't ever go near him or speak to him." Sakuma growled—a tone I never heard before from him. Before I could respond he turned away and stalked out of the hall.

"Shuu…i…chi? What did Sakuma-san mean?" Hiro asked, eyes wide. "Is…is Sakuma-san with….Yuki?"

"I don't' want to talk about it."

"Shuu-san…." Suguru stepped forward.

"It's no one's concern—let's go back to the hotel, I'm exhausted."


	7. Chapter 7

**Cold, Cold Heart:**

**Chapter Seven:**

**Yuki's POV**

After our walk Tohma and I met up with Ryuu who seemed flustered by something but he wouldn't say what. I feared it may be because I left—but he denied it, I still fear it though. Maybe it's not though; he hugged me like he always does and kissed me—in front of Tohma. Surprising since it took a while for us to reveal our relationship to my brother-in-law.

We didn't think he would agree with it. We were right—at first he was against it, I still don't know why or how he stopped being so adamant about it. Maybe my attempt shook him away from his need to control everything in my life. Now he's more focused on keeping me happy enough where I won't try again to….

I don't want to talk about that.

Anyway, Tohma drove Ryuu and I home, to our apartment—an apartment that took up a whole floor of the building. I didn't like having neighbors but Tohma insisted—he doesn't want me to isolate like I did right before I tried….

Again I don't want to talk about it.

Somehow I don't want to be alone right now, usually I fight against Tohma's suggestion for company, but tonight I don't. I wanted to have someone with me since Ryuu had an interview to attend in an hour.

"Eiri, are you all right? You're acting nice tonight."

"Hn." I respond taking out a cigarette and lighting it, ignoring the disapproving look on Tohma's face, until I see a sad look on Ryuu's. Then I put it out and walk into the kitchen. "I'll make dinner tonight." I need something to do, something they would trust me with.

"Well, I was going to order out, but if you can make something quick I'd love it, na no da." Ryuu hugs and kisses me again before looking into my eye. "You're okay, aren't you? I mean with Shindou being back?"

"I'm fine." I give him a friendly smile that he doesn't buy, his eyebrows furrowing in thought.

"I love you, Eiri-ku." He whispers into my ear and then kisses me again before returning to the living-room.

I can't say 'I love you' back to him, I never can—but I think he understands. But I worry sometimes that he wants to hear those words—so tonight I call them out to him. I don't know if he heard me, I can never say them loud enough.

Except when I think of you.

You. Shuuichi, I love you, why did you leave? I wish I could do my life with you over so I wouldn't lose you, but that is too much to hope for. I should've said those words with you, maybe then you wouldn't have left. Maybe if I showed you I loved you, you would've stayed even through the rough times.

God! What have I done?! I come out of my thoughts to find my arm bleeding from a gash near the wrist—the knife in my hand.

"Eiri-ku? Eiri!" Ryuu sees the blood and calls for Tohma, quickly getting a towel to wrap around the wound. Seeing me trembling he holds an arm around me. "It's okay. It's all right." He and Tohma check the wound—thankfully it's no where near deep enough to cause real damage.

"I guess I'll order out tonight." Tohma whispers as Ryuu helps me into the living-room and sits me on the couch. Tohma gets the first aid kit and cleans and bandages the wound on my arm, his expression sad but understanding. "I knew I shouldn't have let you go to that concert."

"I'm fine, Tohma."

"I'm sleeping over tonight. I don't trust you by yourself."

"I'll be fine with Ryuu. You don't have to stay."

"Yes I do, the interview might take a while and Ryuu…." He stared at Ryuu oddly.

"Hey, I can take care of Eiri-ku myself! I don't need your help Tohma!"

"Ryuu, you were the one who wanted to go to tonight's concert—it's your fault Eiri-san's upset."

"But…."

"And you let Eiri leave the concert alone—he was upset and he headed to his car, if I hadn't been there…."

"I…." Ryuu gulped and looked at me guiltily as Tohma's meaning became clear—if Tohma hadn't been there I'd have tried again to….

But that didn't mean Ryuu couldn't take care of me just fine—the last thing I wanted was to be under Tohma's control for the night. He wouldn't let me alone a single moment until I was asleep.

"I'm fine, you two. I don't need either of you to watch me—I'm not a child."

"Eiri…you always say that but each time you either end up calling me or getting in trouble—I lost track of the times you were caught drinking and driving. And that's on your good days." Tohma glared at me like a father scolding a child—a look becoming increasingly more common and annoying. "I'm staying the night." His expression said 'and that's final.'

"Fine. I'm going to bed." I turned away and headed for the bedroom. Suddenly inspired, I looked back at Ryuu. "Hey Ryuu, you want to join me for a while before your interview?"

I could've laughed at the blushes adorning both of their faces—

"Not now, I need to save myself for the interview." Ryuu said in such a way that caused Tohma to blush more—we both loved tormenting my brother-in-law when he insisted on spending the night. Tonight Ryuu decided to go further. "But I bet Toh-chan here could satisfy you."

That got the biggest blush from Tohma I've ever seen.

"Enough you guys, enough already." Tohma mumbled, arms crossed and lips pursed.

"But you want to spend the night, Toh-chan, surely you should earn your keep."

"Not…that….way."

"Aw, c'mon."

**A/N End chapter**


	8. Chapter 8

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Eight**

**Shuu's POV:**

At the hotel I lie awake on my bed, pretending to sleep when Hiro knocks on my door. He knows I'm awake but he won't pester me—after countless times he knows when I want to be alone. Like now.

But now is not a good time to leave me alone, not when I have a bottle of pills hidden in my pocket; feeling the crushing weight of emotion on my heart I down about five pills, waiting for the desired effect.

There, I feel it, that light-headedness—that sense of detachment from my emotions—from my body. I know it's wrong, I shouldn't do it, but I can't help it. I need the nepenthe the pills bring.

Soon I'm lying detached on my bed, barely aware of more knocking on my door—I see a door in front of me, it's like I'm flying, like I'm away from my body, from the world.

I hear Suguru's voice from a distance, and barely can make out what he says—something about 'not again.'

He knows what I've done, he's seen me do it before, but none of his pleading or pestering works. He takes the bottle, but I always can get more—easily.

I don't care what it does to my reputation, I just want my pills—my nepenthe.

-

"Shuu, you need to stop doing this. You were doing fine for a while." He scolds me once I come down from my high, wrapping a blanket around me. I always get cold afterwards—cold and sick.

"But we came here."

"You wanted to come back, it was your idea, Shuu."

"I never expected him to come." I mumble, yawning as sleep tries overtaking me.

Suguru sighs and lets me lie down.

"I didn't expect Yuki-san to come either. Or that Sakuma-san…."

"…don't mention that."

"Sorry." He leans down and kisses me, then smiles. "I love you, Shuu." With that I fade off to sleep wrapped in the blanket with his scent.

-

I don't know how long I slept, but it wasn't long, maybe one or two hours. My phone's ringing and I'm alone in the room. As expected the bottle of pills is gone.

The phone still rings—I can't believe what tone is playing. That tone—his tone. The tone I set for when Yuki calls….God, why is he calling?

Anxiously I answer the phone, not knowing what to expect, but not prepared for an apparently drunk Yuki saying:

"Seguchi, come get me, I'm…."

"Yuki, are you drunk?"

"…."

"…."

"Shuu?"

"Yep."

Suddenly he hangs up, leaving me listening to the dial tone.

"…bastard…."

I have to admit I was worried about him, thus I called up Seguchi.

"Hello, Shindou-san it better be important, I'm busy."

"Yuki called me."

"…what?"

"He called me, drunk apparently, thinking he called you."

"…shit…did he tell you where he was?" Seguchi's voice showed concern—making me more worried.

"No…what's wrong with Yuki? What's going on with him?"

"…that's none of your concern." He hangs up and doesn't answer when I call him back.

"Shit. Yuki, what's going on?"

I call up Yuki, hoping he answers but also that he doesn't. No answer the first two times, but then he calls me back.

"Shuu?"

"Yep. Yuki, are you okay?"

"…please come get me."

He's crying, I can tell.

"Sure, where are you?"

He tells me and hangs up, I quickly get dressed and leave the hotel. I call a taxi and find the place Yuki's at.

I can't believe what I find—Yuki sitting on the curb, a broken glass bottle next to him—his arms covered with cuts still fresh and bleeding. One even on his face.

"Yuki, what happened?"

"I couldn't help it, I'm sorry."

"…you mean…you did this to yourself? God…." Yuki starts crying, mixing with the blood on his cheek.

After wrapping my coat over his cut arms, I bring him to the hospital in the taxi and then I call Seguchi. He doesn't answer at first, but then I call him using the hospital phone.

"Hello?"

"Seguchi."

"Shindou-san! What are you…."

"Why didn't you tell me Yuki's a cutter?"

"Huh? How do…you found Eiri?"

"Yes, he called me back. We're at the hospital—he has cuts all over his arms and on his face."

"GOD. I'll be right there. I'm never trusting Ryuu to watch him again."

He hangs up.

I turn back to the room where the doctor's bandaging Yuki's wounds.

Tears come to my eyes.

"Yuki….why?"

**A/N: End chapter**


	9. Chapter 9

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Eight**

**Yuki's POV**

I don't know why I called him back, I just needed help and I couldn't seem to remember Seguchi's number. I could only remember his—Shuu's.

It shocked me when I heard Shuu's voice the first time—I hung up and broke the bottle of beer I'd been drinking. The jagged pieces of glass beckoned me, enticed me and before I knew it I had cuts all over my arms. One on my face, too. I didn't even remember doing it; that scares me; that always scares me.

So I called Shuu back up to help me—I didn't want Seguchi to find me like this. I'll never forget the look on Shuu's face when he found me, when he saw my cuts, my wrecked state.

"I couldn't help it, I'm sorry."

"…you mean…you did this to yourself? God…."

I started crying, I couldn't stop myself, I was too drunk and confused. I was barely aware when Shuu took me to the hospital in the taxi, covering my cuts with his jacket.

I wish things could go back to how they were, have Shuu stay away so I can get on with my life. Why did he have to come back? After three years he comes back without warning—how am I supposed to deal with that?

God, I want to die now, just take me from this world. I can't take this pain anymore— or the fear of what I might do next. God? Please.

**A/N: End chapter, please review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Ten**

Yuki's POV:

I dreamt about you that night, while I slept at the hospital—I knew it wasn't a good idea to see you, it brought up some urges I've repressed for a long time. Three years in fact. I still want you.

-

The next time we met was a week from then, you came by my apartment—the same one I lived in for three years. I haven't really moved since you left—always hoping you'd come back to me.

For a second I thought you had, when you walked through that door my heart stopped—I felt dazed, like in a dream, a fantasy I've had since you first left.

"Hello Yuki…." You said as I only stared, barely moving away from the door to let you in. "I didn't expect you to stay here."

"Normally I stay with Ryuu, but I couldn't let go of this place—too many memories."

"Are you happy with Sakuma-san?"

"Are you happy with Fujisaki-san?"

We both stared at each other silently, both thinking about the question burning deep in our hearts: 'were we over each other?'

I know I'm not over you, and I proved it by suddenly approaching you and laying a kiss on your lips.

You didn't push me away; instead you held me close and closer, moving deeper into the kiss. Surprised but hungry for you, I turned up the force of our embrace, moving my lips to your neck, attacking your weak spot.

Hearing your approving whimpers I grinned and glanced once at your face, lust pumping through me. That's when I noticed that look in your eyes—like you weren't all there—

"Shuu, are you okay?" I pushed you away slightly.

"Yuki…." You leaned closer to me, your eyes unfocused and not by mere lust.

"Are you drunk or something?"

"Stoned." You purred and bit down on my ear. "I love you, Yuki." Your small embraces had me almost ignoring your response—almost.

"No, Shuu, no." I pushed you away more firmly, gaining control over myself. "Not in your state."

"But Yuki…."

Suddenly you collapsed in my arms, turning deathly pale.

"Shuu….Shuuichi!"

-

**Shuuichi POV**

I don't remember anything after I took the pills, I know I went to Yuki's old place but everything was a blur.

The only thing I remember was waking in the hospital with Yuki there arguing with Suguru and Hiro.

"How could you let him use drugs? He's the singer of your band, plus…" Yuki glared at Suguru. "He's your lover now."

"I'm sorry, Yuki-san, we've been trying to get him to stop, but he always finds something—"

"You're not trying hard enough."

"What do you want us to do? Force him into rehab? If the fans find out…."

"Forget the fans! Shuuichi almost died a few hours ago and all you're worried about are his fans!" Yuki looked ready to punch Suguru, who paled, so I spoke up.

"Yuki don't you dare hurt Suguru…."

"Shuuichi, you're awake!" Suguru and Hiro rushed to my bed while Yuki turned and walked out of the room.

**A/N: End chapter**


	11. Chapter 11

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Eleven**

**Suguru's POV:**

I know Yuki-san still loves Shuu, I heard all about his breakdown when Shuu left from Tohma, and I heard from Shuu about Yuki's cutting and drinking.

I also know Shuu still cares for Yuki-san, he cries every night for what he lost. I can't stand him crying, but I also couldn't stand what would happen if he went back to how things were before.

Shuu told me about his near suicide attempt—

That's why I'll refuse to let him go back with Yuki-san—if things go back the way they were, they'd be worse than they are now.

-

"Shuuichi," I stood by his bed after Yuki-san left, leaning down close to kiss him on the forehead. "Why did you go to Yuki-san's place?"

"I….I don't know…." Shuuichi looked away, eyes staring at the wall. "Everything was a blur—I don't remember what I did…."

"Shuu, Yuki admitted you two kissed and would've done more if he hadn't realized you weren't aware of what was going on."

Shuuichi paled at my words, looking me directly in the eye.

"I don't remember any of it."

"I believe you, Shuu, but something has to be done to prevent this from happening again." I sighed when Shuuichi's eyes filled with tears. "I'm not mad at you, but I think you should go through rehab."

Shuuichi's expression suddenly darkened, turning cold.

"I'm fine, Suguru. I don't need rehab…."

"Yes you do, you almost died today. If Yuki-san hadn't been there you'd…." I faltered seeing how cold Shuuichi's expression got.

"I'm fine, Fujisaki." Shuu said through gritted teeth, his anger apparent in how he addressed me, using 'Fujisaki' instead of 'Suguru'.

"Shuuichi, please."

"…."

"If you don't go to rehab, I'll quit Bad Luck…."

"Fine, quit."

"And leave you."

"…." Silence as Shuuichi turned and faced the window. "I'm not going to rehab, Fujisaki."

"Shuu…."

**A/N: End chapter**


	12. Chapter 12

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter twelve (Song Lyrics: Last night I heard you crying: Hank Williams Sr.)**

**Ryuu's POV:**

'_I know you tried your best to love me,_

_You smiled when your heart told you to weep_

_You try to pretend that you were happy_

_But last night I heard you crying in your sleep'_

I heard him crying last night, when he thought I slept, but I couldn't comfort him—not when I heard him say Shuuichi's name. I can't imagine how he could still yearn for Shuuichi when I've been with him for over two years—comforting him, loving him. For over two years I've been there for him, helping him forget Shuuichi, yet he still wants him.

Maybe it's just jealousy, but I can't help hurting knowing that Yuki still loves Shuuichi, knowing that he always will—what hurts worse is knowing Yuki is hurting. Knowing he's in pain kills me since I realize I can never make him happy. Not like Shuuichi could—but how can I trust he won't get hurt again by loving Shuuichi?

'_Your heart is yearning for an old love_

_With new love it's useless to compete,_

_It hurts to know you are unhappy_

_Last night I heard you crying in your sleep'_

Yuki told me about the kiss, he apologized for it, but I know he isn't sorry—the only thing he regrets is not taking it further. But according to what else Yuki confessed, Shuuichi wasn't fully aware of what he was doing, and Yuki would never take advantage.

How could Shuu get addicted to drugs? How? Why would he? Does he still love Yuki? Is that why—he's trying to numb the pain….just like Yuki and his alcohol….Just like Yuki….

Maybe I shouldn't keep them apart—not if doing so is wrecking their lives instead of helping them. I know I vowed to never let Shuuichi hurt Yuki again, to never let them be together again, but I just can't stand hearing Yuki cry at night—

I have to do something about it.

'_You know you are free to go dear_

_And don't mind me if I start to weep,_

_I know I can never make you happy_

'_Cause last night I heard you crying in your sleep.'_

**A/N: End chapter, finally I found a song to use in a chapter—now I just need to find some more, though I don't know if this song fits the whole chapter—I wrote most of this chapter around the song but the final bit gave me a hard time. (Also finally I'm writing more to this author note than 'end chapter'—my muse has vanished since I started taking meds for bi-polar. I guess my muse was my mania, which I don't have anymore. I hate that.)**

**Anyway, please review—all reviews are appreciated.**

**(I don't think I used all the lyrics to the song)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Shuuichi's POV**

Fujisaki and I broke up three days ago—I refused to go into rehab and he refused to forgive me for not going. He also left the band. Not that I mind him leaving the band, since Bad Luck was originally just me and Hiro, but I do care that he left me.

I don't want to be alone.

"Hiro, what are we going to do now? Tomorrow's our next concert."

"You should have thought about that before you allowed Fujisaki to leave." Hiro glared at me—still angry I refused rehab. But he's my loyal friend, he'll stay by my side no matter what—he told me that, and proved it by remaining my friend for these past three years.

"I know that, but I can't change what happened."

"Yes, you can."

"If I go through rehab the fans will find out—I don't want them knowing."

"But I also know you don't want Fujisaki to leave—you or the band. We need him, you need him."

"I don't need him; I don't need anyone like him who'd try to force me to do something. Especially rehab." I picked up my jacket—long and black—and put it on, I've long since gave up the vibrant colors I used to wear.

I now wear black baggy jeans and shirts, except on stage when I wear the shirts a little bit tighter, and black combat boots. Even my hair I dyed black. Each thing shows how dark my life has gotten since I left Yuki.

Yuki…I still miss him, I wish I could remember that kiss from the other day—if only I wasn't stoned that day, then me and Yuki could….

What am I saying? I left Yuki, three years ago, because he was a jerk and couldn't love me for me. He loved Kitazawa more than me….at least then. Maybe he does love me; why else would he resort to cutting and drinking?

"Come on, Shuu. Let's go get lunch."

"All right."

-

**Yuki's POV:**

I don't know why I agreed to go to another concert with him—especially another one of Shuuichi's. I just couldn't put up with disappointing him, couldn't put up with him being depressed over me not going.

"Just don't tell Tohma where we're going. I don't want him to stop me from bringing you."

"I won't." I mumbled and waited for him to hug and kiss me before leaving for bed, but he didn't. Instead he just ruffled my hair with his hand and whispered 'I love you' before sauntering to my study's door.

Before I could comment on his abrupt change in routine, he left the room and walked down the hall toward our bedroom—as though nothing strange had happened. But his not kissing and hugging me was strange, so strange I grew peeved by it and I stopped working at my computer to check on him.

"I know I shouldn't be sneaky Kumagoro, but it's for Yuki-ku's own good." He lay across the bed, his pink plushie in his arms.

Softly, soft enough so he wouldn't hear, I chuckled—he was so cute when he spoke to Kumagoro like it was alive, his whole demeanor lit up with youth when he did so.

"He still misses him, that's why. I can't keep them apart when they need each other…."

For a second or two I wondered who he was talking about before it clicked—he was talking about me and Shuu. Silently I tremble in thought as I pondered the meaning of his words

'I can't keep them apart when they need each other….'

Did that mean he was going to get me and Shuu back together? Is he plan on giving me up? Why would he do it—didn't he care…

"I know I'll miss him, but I can't stand hearing him cry anymore—always about Shuuichi and what he lost."

Yes, he did care…I never knew he knew I cried, I always thought he was asleep when I did—god, I didn't want him ever to find out I still felt for Shuuichi. That I still cried about the brat.

The brat…soon I might have him back…at the concert, that's what Ryuu's planning on pulling us back together. Soon I might be happy again.

"Thank you, Ryuu."

**A/N: End chapter….this story is becoming tough to write since I plan on ending it soon—just a few more chapters, but with how difficult it is to write it might be more than a few chapters since I don't want to end it too quickly. Anyway, please review. And if you have time, please read and review some of my other stories, reviews might inspire me to continue writing.**


	14. Chapter 14

Cold, Cold Heart

Chapter Fourteen (Song "I can't Escape from You" By Hank Williams Sr.)

At the concert:

**Shuuichi's POV:**

"_I've tried and tried to run and hide_

_To find a life that's new_

_But where to go, I always know_

_I can't escape from you."_

I sang out the words to the song, a cover of an American singer, the audience cheering for me and the band. Hearing their enthusiasm took away the bite of the words I was singing—this song reminded me of Yuki and me, I tried so hard to run away from him only to find I couldn't escape his memory. Nor could I escape the love I felt for him, it pained me every night to not have him to hold.

"_A jug of wine to numb my mind_

_But what good does it do?_

_The jug runs dry and still I cry_

_I can't escape from you."_

I use drugs to escape his memory that still haunts me; I can't handle being on my own so I hooked up with Fujisaki just to kill the loneliness left in my weary heart. But not even he could kill the pain in my heart that caused my tears to gush from my eyes every night. No kiss from him could ever replace Yuki's cold, yet passionate embraces. I missed even Yuki's coldness, how he would ignore me for days or kick me out of the apartment—I missed everything about him. I couldn't find happiness without him, I know that now.

I fell silent in midst of the song, my heartache too much to ignore at the moment. I saw him in the back of the audience, his shades on, looking directly at me. Just like at my first concert…

"Everyone, I have something I'd like to say." I spoke into the microphone. "I'd just like say to Yuki—I still love you."

-

**Yuki's POV:**

I can't believe he said that on stage—announcing once again to the world that he loved me. But then again, I can believe it—this is Shuuichi we're talking about. He'll say anything anywhere if it crossed his mind to do so—or his heart rather.

"_These wasted tears are souvenirs_

_Of a love I thought was true,_

_Your memory is chained to me_

_I can't escape from you."_

I couldn't help but smile as he continued the song after his announcement, as though nothing had happened, though the audience was in an uproar over the declaration. Their words coming to my ears:

"Does this mean they'll get back together?"

"What will Eiri Yuki say about this?"

"Do you think Yuki-san will accept him back? It's been three years."

"I'd say yes." I spoke up, drawing the attention of the people closest to me. On their faces were expressions of interest and surprise—growing even more in awe when I removed my sunglasses.

"It's him, Eiri Yuki!"

"Oh god, can I have your autograph?"

"What did you think of Shuu-chan's announcement?"

"Are you really getting back together with him?"

"If he'll have me back, yes." I answered the last question, walking through the crowds towards the stage, smiling as my action and the audience's caused Shuuichi to stop singing again. I stared up to Shuuichi, looking him directly in the eye.

"I love you, too, Shuuichi." I yelled out to him, noticing his eyes lighting up with glee as the words found his ears. "I love you."

-

Ryuu's POV:

After the concert was over, Yuki and Shuuichi met, both overjoyed to finally be together again after three years apart. It breaks my heart to know Yuki found happiness with someone else, someone other than me. But I know we were never meant to be—he belongs with Shuuichi, and I have only the memory of our time together to hold onto.

Quietly I sing the last verse to the song Shuuichi sung during his announcement:

"_There is no end, I can't pretend_

_That dreams will soon come true_

_A slave too long to a heart of stone_

_I can't escape from you."_

A/N: End chapter. And end of story unless you readers want more.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Because so many people wanted more, here's one more chapter to the story.**

**Cold, Cold Heart**

**Chapter Fifteen**

Looking at the stars together, Yuki and Shuuichi sat in silence both in awe at being together once again, deep in awe and deep in thought.

"Shuu."

"Yes, Yuki?"

"I've been thinking."

"Don't do it too much, you might hurt your brain." Shuuichi replied grinning at his joke as Yuki stared at him amused.

"I won't." Yuki chuckled, placing his arm around his lover. "But seriously, I've been thinking about your drug use. You almost died before." Yuki glanced once to Shuuichi's pocket where he knew a vial of pills was.

Knowing where this was going, Shuuichi remained quiet, pulling a little from Yuki's embrace—an action that caused Yuki to scowl as he turned to face the singer.

"Shuuichi, you need to go to rehab."

"But Yuki…I can't…."

"Yes, you can and you will."

"But I'll be away from you—I don't want to be away from you even a second." Shuuichi stared Yuki in the eye. "If I go to rehab, so will you."

"Shuu…."

"No, I know you drink way too much, and I can't forget the night I found you with all those cuts on your arms."

"That…." Yuki began, removing his arm from around Shuuichi, the arm still adorned with bandages. "That…you're right…."

"Yu….you agree with me?" Shuuichi's eyes widened as he watched Yuki stare at his wrists in thought.

"I need help—for my drinking and my cutting. Whether you go or not, I'm going into rehab—so if you don't go you'll be without me anyway."

"Yuki…." Shuuichi averted his gaze as Yuki traced his finger over his bandaged arm. "I…."

"I don't want to lose you again Shuu, if you continue using drugs I could lose you forever." Yuki's eyes closed as he spoke, and Shuuichi could see the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

"I…Yuki, I'll go." Shuuichi whispered eyes focused on his lover. "I'll go to rehab."

"Thank you."

-

Elsewhere Fujisaki stood on a balcony looking at the stars—his heart sad for losing Shuu, even though it was for the best that the singer was with Yuki again. Maybe Yuki could get Shuu into rehab; maybe just being with the novelist would get Shuu to stop. Fujisaki could only hope that either one would happen.

As for his returning to the band—that he would do when Shuuichi asked him to come back. Though being back as only a band member would be awkward after being Shuuichi's lover for so long. Maybe he shouldn't return to the band. Maybe.

"Whatcha doing?" The cheerful voice startled him as he turned around.

"I…Ah…Sakuma-san." He recognized the brown haired singer. "Hello."

"Looks like Shuuichi and Eiri are back together again. Can you believe what happened at the concert? How they both professed their love?"

"…I can believe Shuu, but not Yuki-san. The Yuki-san I know would never say 'I love you' to Shuu—that's one of the reasons Shuu left him."

"Eiri changed during the past three years, same as Shuu. It took Shuu leaving him for Eiri to realize what he had."

"At least now they can be happy."

"Yes. But what about us?"

"Us?"

"Yeah, we're left alone."

"I don't know." Fujisaki stared back at the stars, not paying attention to Ryuu's strange stare. But he couldn't help noticing when Ryuu took him in his arms and kissed him. "Sakuma-san!" He blushed after the kiss ended, sputtering out the singer's name.

"Call me Ryuu."

"You can't seriously think…."

"Come on, we're both alone. And our former-lovers are together, so why not us?"

"But that's…." Fujisaki thought for a moment, before shrugging and reaching up to hold the singer in an embrace. "What the heck, might as well."

"Good Suguru." Ryuu kissed him once more, this time lasting longer—a much deeper kiss under the stars.

A/N: Okay now it's the end. I hope you fans are happy, Now I want to focus on my other fics.


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